I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
