The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
