just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
