Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
