I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
