I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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