Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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