I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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