When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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