I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
