I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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