i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Randomize
