omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
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