Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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