I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
He passed out mid-signature
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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