dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
