apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
