I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
