can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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