Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
