Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
