Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
