Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
