my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
