i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize