wanna go halves on a baby?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
