You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
