Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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