Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
