1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
