the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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