His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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