I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
