apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
