i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
