Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Fuck me I smell like cheese
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
