you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Congratulations! We have a period
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