Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
