apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
