ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
