I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
