yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
