I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize