I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
