Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
