I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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