the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
