Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
