Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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