You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
