and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
