It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You need Xanax blowdarts
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
