saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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