I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
