My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
