bring money and cleavage
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
