proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
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