all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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