she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
